so, i have a paper due tomorrow and i'm barely into it. oh well. this weekend is going to be ridiculous. on top of fall con, i have to study for my econ midterm on monday, for which i am definitely not prepared. yay! but i do not feel as stressed out as i should be. i'm confused. anyway, here's what's been playing over and over in my head lately:
"all i know is i find rest in You."
maybe it'll explain everything and why i'm not so stressed. not sure. anyway, have a good day. and note how my thoughts seem more scattered and not as coherent as usual. (or at least i feel that my thoughts are that way.) i blame the lack of sleep.
the end.
Friday, October 30, 2009
Monday, October 26, 2009
week 5
this week is going to be ridiculous. i do not know how i will get through it all, but i have faith that i will see God working a lot this week and, in the end, everything will be worth it.
on that note, good news: half of the quarter is almost done. bad news: half of the quarter is almost done.
on that note, good news: half of the quarter is almost done. bad news: half of the quarter is almost done.
Friday, October 16, 2009
so many faces
my days, all the people i've met, and all the conversations i've had are all merging into one... not good.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
thoughts from the back of the classroom
(a long blog entry was more than overdue...)
As I sit here in the back of my Poli Sci 40 class, all I can wonder is why I am here. Why do I go to class when I see no value in it? Why am I doing something just because I think I’m supposed to? It’s not like I’m taking any good notes on the PowerPoint slides nor am I even listening to anything the professor has to say. The professor even posts lecture notes online so I’m not missing out on any important information and screwing myself over for an exam. Yeah, as I sit here in the back of my Poli Sci 40 class, all I can wonder is why I am here--why am I doing something just because I think I have to?
All through life I’ve been the good kid. I’ve been the one who followed the rules and did everything “right.” I got straight A’s. I never talked back. I always did my chores. I went to church. And even got involved with church as an altarserver. Yeah, I was that kid in the classroom to whom parents compared their children. I was the one my friends brought home to prove to their parents that they were good kids and that they couldn’t be getting in trouble if they were hanging around with me. I posed as the perfect kid all through my life. Being good wasn't necessarily bad. It was the fact that I failed to question why I did the things I did--that's what bothered me.
While I assumed the persona of the “perfect kid,” while I was getting the best grades in my class and following every rule set before me, I didn’t do much thinking for myself. I regurgitated material without ever really understanding it. Hell, I just crammed the information in and let it go over my head once the tests and quizzes were over. My life was one of complacency and seeking acceptance from others by being someone I thought they wanted me to be. I thought I should act a certain way and therefore I did.
This realization--that a great part of my life was spent doing things because I felt I should to meet others’ expectations--well, it hit home hard when I connected this realization with my relationship with God, when I realized that my faith in God had been based on my desire to make others happy. I had felt that I needed to pray, that I needed to go to church, and that I needed to altarserve—all because everyone else expected me to. I never looked within me for reasons to believe that God was real, that He was really a big part of my life, and that He wanted to bless me with so much. Until recently, when I was forced to look within myself to see if I really wanted to follow Jesus and all that that entailed. That decision for myself has made my faith so much stronger, so much more meaningful to me. It is for this reason that I get annoyed with people, myself included, whenever they do things because they feel they have to. Humans were made to think for themselves. Their brains are invaluable tools that should always be engaged and always questioning, never settling and giving into complacency.
As I sit here in the back of my Poli Sci 40 class, all I can wonder is why I am here--and why everyone else is here if they aren’t even paying attention but rather texting, sleeping, or just staring off into the ceiling. Are they going through their life doing things they feel they should do and never making their decisions for themselves?
Am I?
As I sit here in the back of my Poli Sci 40 class, all I can wonder is why I am here. Why do I go to class when I see no value in it? Why am I doing something just because I think I’m supposed to? It’s not like I’m taking any good notes on the PowerPoint slides nor am I even listening to anything the professor has to say. The professor even posts lecture notes online so I’m not missing out on any important information and screwing myself over for an exam. Yeah, as I sit here in the back of my Poli Sci 40 class, all I can wonder is why I am here--why am I doing something just because I think I have to?
All through life I’ve been the good kid. I’ve been the one who followed the rules and did everything “right.” I got straight A’s. I never talked back. I always did my chores. I went to church. And even got involved with church as an altarserver. Yeah, I was that kid in the classroom to whom parents compared their children. I was the one my friends brought home to prove to their parents that they were good kids and that they couldn’t be getting in trouble if they were hanging around with me. I posed as the perfect kid all through my life. Being good wasn't necessarily bad. It was the fact that I failed to question why I did the things I did--that's what bothered me.
While I assumed the persona of the “perfect kid,” while I was getting the best grades in my class and following every rule set before me, I didn’t do much thinking for myself. I regurgitated material without ever really understanding it. Hell, I just crammed the information in and let it go over my head once the tests and quizzes were over. My life was one of complacency and seeking acceptance from others by being someone I thought they wanted me to be. I thought I should act a certain way and therefore I did.
This realization--that a great part of my life was spent doing things because I felt I should to meet others’ expectations--well, it hit home hard when I connected this realization with my relationship with God, when I realized that my faith in God had been based on my desire to make others happy. I had felt that I needed to pray, that I needed to go to church, and that I needed to altarserve—all because everyone else expected me to. I never looked within me for reasons to believe that God was real, that He was really a big part of my life, and that He wanted to bless me with so much. Until recently, when I was forced to look within myself to see if I really wanted to follow Jesus and all that that entailed. That decision for myself has made my faith so much stronger, so much more meaningful to me. It is for this reason that I get annoyed with people, myself included, whenever they do things because they feel they have to. Humans were made to think for themselves. Their brains are invaluable tools that should always be engaged and always questioning, never settling and giving into complacency.
As I sit here in the back of my Poli Sci 40 class, all I can wonder is why I am here--and why everyone else is here if they aren’t even paying attention but rather texting, sleeping, or just staring off into the ceiling. Are they going through their life doing things they feel they should do and never making their decisions for themselves?
Am I?
Friday, October 9, 2009
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)