quick fixes

For every one shall be salted with fire. Salt is good: but if the salt has lost its saltiness, wherewith will ye season it? Have salt in yourselves, and be at peace one with another.
-- Mark 9:49-50

when my mark study group went over this passage at summer con, one of the implications we drew was that suffering and pain are good. yes, suffering is good. because through suffering we are purified, and through purification we can become closer to God.

so, if i learned that suffering is so good, and allows us to develop deeper relationships with God, why have i been denying myself such opportunities toward growth and a deeper faith? why, in the midst of my suffering, am i cursing God and doubting whether or not he loves me? instead of pursuing a holier me and embracing the suffering and the resulting purification, why am i asking God for a quick fix and not to allow me to learn anything from my situation but rather to end the suffering right away?

because, if i embrace this suffering, i am embracing pain. i am embracing hardship. i am embracing punishment. i am accepting the fact that to follow God--it won't always be easy and there will be a lot of work, a lot of blood, a lot of sweat, and a lot of tears.

we all, as individuals, face struggles every day. in my case, i'm referring to the pain of the laser treatments and the facial extraction procedures i've been undergoing in order to rid my face of acne. in the grand scheme of things, though, my pain is nothing. Jesus underwent the ultimate pain of all. he died on the cross--for me, for you, and for the whole world. and, if he says that suffering is good, then he of all people should know. and, if he died on the cross for me, experiencing that unfathomable amount of pain, then this struggle of mine is something i can get through. Christ strengthens me and in him all things are possible. why should i be afraid? even if i don't know why and what will come of this suffering, i must leave it all in his hands, trust that he will heal me in his time, and be open to how God is making me a better living sacrifice for him.

grandpa

since the incident, my relationship with my said grandfather has definitely improved. i have been more able to see the love my grandpa has for me, and how greatly the medication he is on has affected his temperament. although i am a far way off from loving him as God calls us to love one another, i am a step closer to this love. and, in looking back at these past ten years of negative feelings toward him, this is definitely a step in the right direction toward where God wants me to be.

walls

there is a wall between the man i know as my grandfather and me.

i built this wall.

it keeps me away from him, away from his presence, away from his love. it was built to protect me, so that i would not be hurt by him or his words as others around him have been. in my head, i have built this barrier in between us because i don't want him to matter to me, a man who has always seemed to be so angry and bitter at the world. this man, my grandfather--i can't say that i love him because of this wall i've built.

as much as i say that i am a Christian and that i am trying to follow God in all aspects of my life, i realized the hypocrisy of my statements when my grandfather fell onto the kitchen floor monday and i couldn't imagine being deeply affected if he passed away. sure, i'd be sad, but not that deep sorrow that engulfs you when someone close is gone--and never to return on this earth. so yeah, while i was dialing 911, while i saw the paramedics take him away, and while i followed them to the hospital in my own car, i was sad about the situation. i was sad about the relationship i lacked with my grandfather. i was sad that i had done this to myself and not allowed myself to grow close to him. but, i was not sad that he was suffering. i was being selfish and i felt sad because i thought that was how i should feel. that realization came, and it was like a wave crashing down on me because i realized i had failed God.

but, the beauty of God's grace is that--even when we fail to live and love like Him, He will knock us over with a force so strong that we will listen to him. God will get our attention so that the next time we are in a situation where we must live and love like Jesus, we will live and love like Jesus, more so than we have in the past. and, despite our mistakes and failures, God loves us nonetheless. He sees the emptiness inside of us and seeks us out to fill it--with His love.

Lord, i pray that i may never forget this lesson and how much you love me despite my transgressions. i just pray that i can live out the life of love to which you call me and all Christians. open my heart, Lord, and teach me to love like You.