choices

a major lesson i have been learning this past quarter is the importance of the choices i make everyday, especially in terms of my attitude and my willingness to act (in general and according to God's will).

despite the ways in which the world sucks, despite the ways in which i feel bogged down by everything negative going on, and despite the ways in which i feel i have failed God and am a hopeless cause, i have a choice--a choice to be joyful and positive, to trust that God will deliver on his promises and has better times in store for me.  rather than looking at everything with a cynical and critical eye, i can choose into a positive attitude.  i can choose into being expectant, humble, and joyful before God. 

furthermore, despite the ways in which everything seems to be going wrong, despite the ways in which i feel alone, and despite the ways in which i feel frustrated and just want to give up on people and caring, i have a choice.  i have a choice to let my emotions get the best of me, to let my frustrations, resentment, guilt, anger, bitterness, and whatever other form of tension there is--i can let these emotions get the best of me and sit in them, allowing them to grow over time.  or, i can choose to be willing to engage with the emotions, move forward from them, and take steps toward healing, toward reconciliation, and toward living a life more like the one God calls me to live.

attitude and my willingness to go where God leads me.  they're important decisions i make everyday, and i'm realizing the impact of them in the greater scheme of things.  for too long have i let my emotions and circumstances dictate my attitude toward life and my willingness to go where God calls me day to day.

here's to keeping an open mind about everything, being determined to live out God's truth, learning from past mistakes, and making better choices in the new year.  starting now so i can get a head start.  :)

this one's for you

to someone who will never read this--

wow, i never thought you would do such a thing.  i never thought, of all people, that you would resort to such actions.  i can't believe that you are hurting yourself and others like this and that you are doing these things to yourself.  it's hurting me to see you live like this.  and i've tried to let you know that you do deserve better, that it's not healthy to live as you are living--because i love you and i really do believe you deserve better.  you know it too.  

life doesn't have to be like this.  it doesn't have to be this messy, this messed up, this painful.  you know that.

it's really hard not being able to help you in this situation, to just sit here and have to wait for you to realize that you should listen--to me, to your conscience, to everything and everyone telling you that this situation is not healthy.  you need to get out.

i wish i could fix everything and save you.  i wish i could be a hero for you.  but, i can't.  i can't do anything else.  i just have to watch and wait--and pray.  that you do listen.  that people are inherently good.  that God can and does come into situations like these.  

that God is a redeeming God.  

not only for your sake but for mine as well.

ugh

lately, i've been dissatisfied and disappointed with everything--with people, with leadership, and with life.

i'm becoming increasingly aware of the source of my frustrations and resentment.  

i'm so angry, so bitter, and so frustrated with myself, with others, and with God because for half of last quarter i failed to rely on God, i failed to partner with him, and i failed to turn to him for strength and affirmation.  i failed to look to him for what i needed to know and experience in order to get me through the quarter, especially when i needed Jesus the most.  rather than asking God and looking to God for what i needed, i turned to myself.  i looked to my own strength to get me by and that was by far not close to enough.  

sure, in leadership, i was turning to God and asking him for guidance and for his power to be revealed because i knew i had to do that.  i was not wholeheartedly pursuing God for myself, though.  i was not seeking him out enough for me to be reminded of his truths--reminded that i am his beloved, that he is with me, and that he is using me, brokenness, incapabilities, and all.  no matter how i much i fail him, no matter what i see as lacking in my leadership and my life, no matter how lonely i feel and how unvalued the world deems me--God is there and he loves me.  

that's something i struggle to believe and claim as true--that he loves me, that he looks at me and thinks, "you are good."

and it is this frustration that has grown and flowed into other parts of my life and resulted in my dissatisfaction and disappointment in everything--because my relationship with God should be better.  and i know that.  because God loves me and i should turn to him to find my value and find all i need to get by.  and i know that.

but i'm not doing it.  

i'm just making it harder on myself by refusing to change, refusing to get unstuck.

the future, part two

God, i really don't know where you're trying to lead me.  as i'm trying to sort everything out and whether or not you are calling me to a lifestyle where i can have a family or not, were you trying to tell me something today with all of these kids and cousins coming and surrounding me?

the future

i always thought i'd be successful.  i always thought i'd be the "man" of the house.  always thought i would get married, have children (and possibly retire from work to take care of them), and see them grow up in our house in the middle of suburbia.  and i knew that i'd argue with those same children, cry with those same children, and rejoice and praise God with those same children.  i always thought that was what God wanted, for me to raise up some rowdy bunch of children and witness their growth and development into wonderful servants of God.

i always thought that was God's plan for me.

because he wanted me and called me to love others.  because he gave me a heart for kids and i thought he was calling me to have my own so that i could experience a love like no other.  because he blessed me with skills, talents, and a nurturing home so that any success i imagined was deemed attainable.

but, as i have gone through college, God has been redefining that idea of success and of a future for me.  true, he is still reminding me that he has given me amazing skills, talents, and experiences that shatter any idea of unattainable success.  however, he is also teaching me that monetary wealth cannot compare with the treasure he has in store for me.  he is teaching me that i am not called to love only those around me and those of blood relation, but all of God's children.  to top it off, he's challenging me into a scary lifestyle that i am hesitant to even contemplate.  even now.  after it's been six months or so since i first got presented with the call to be open to this "job"/lifestyle.

i totally thought we had dismissed that idea of a future and deemed it not for me--six months ago--but God has called me to be open to it again today.  and i'm not gonna lie.  it's a little scary/intimidating to think of living like that.  it's even scarier/more intimidating to think about all that i must do to get to that point of being able to live as he is possibly calling me.

yup, what if...

a much needed reminder

today was a good day.

i was able to put a lot of things into perspective, and i have a little almost-two-year-old to thank for it. yep, baby sophia, she is such a blessing in my life and a reminder to me that God loves us, that he wants us to be smiling and living lives full of joy and laughter.  he wants us to experience an everlasting joy we cannot explain.  he wants us to posses a childlike excitement over anything and everything.  he wants us to look at the world as our playground and to know that we can conquer it with his help.  

even if it was for a brief moment today, i felt that joy again, and it's been a long while since i felt such consuming joy, some semblance of wholeness in my broken heart.  and i knew that God was with me today.

more thoughts later on what sophia taught me--about the simple joys in life, about dealing with crap, and about learning how to piece things together. 
 









but, for now, here's looking at you, kid. and a prayer for God's joy to be ever present in your life and all those you meet.

things are looking up

tell me this doesn't make you smile or laugh.

ugh

i felt the urge to update today. i felt like i was supposed to take time to reflect on my life and update you all on it. as well as maybe come to some sort of conclusion for myself about what has been happening lately.

two hours have passed, and i can honestly say that i took that time, more time than usual actually. i tried to piece together some sort of post, but nothing came of my efforts. no coherent entry was formed, no focused thoughts were shared, no conclusions were drawn.

instead, the unresolved nature of anything and everything in my life--that came to light. the messiness that is my life became apparent beyond measure. again. and even more so. the increasing amount of frustrations i have with God, with myself, and with others--they were made known once more. to top it off, the fact that i have made no progress on all of these issues pressing on my heart (or so it seems) and the fact that only more problems seem to arise--that disheartened me.

so yeah, i felt the urge to update today. i felt like i was supposed to take time to reflect on my life and update you all on it. as well as maybe come to some sort of conclusion for myself about what has been happening lately.

sorry i can't say i have it figured out.
sorry i can't say i am finding it easy to be joyful.
sorry i can't say that i like where i'm at.
but, hey, at least i updated.

heart check, part two

i want to say that i want to change, that i want this bitterness and tension within me to be removed, that i want to trust in community and love them wholeheartedly once more. but, right now, i can't say that i do want that change of heart. i can't say that i don't want to sulk and stay in my misery. i can't say that i don't want to be alone.

because staying in this spot would be so much easier. to sulk in my misery, to be alone in this heartache--it would be so much easier. than the alternative of addressing these issues, trying to work things out, and moving on from here.

my motives for wallowing are totally immature and not constructive at all, and i recognize that. but, i'm at a spot where i really do need Jesus to come in and change that.

i can't do this on my own. i can't forgive. i can't love. i can't initiate the resolution.

until he shows me how first.

not in a good spot

my heart is very bitter right now, again. even more so, it feels hurt. it feels torn. it feels very, very frustrated. the worst part of everything is that i don't know what to do with these emotions. i don't know where to start in an effort to address them and to move on from here. i have reached a point where i just want to be alone. i just want to get away from everything and everyone--and not deal with anything.

none of these emotions. none of these upcoming finals. none of these people around me.

i just want to be out of this situation altogether and be able to rest and not constantly be consumed with so many thoughts and so many frustrations and so many chores to do throughout my day.

i am stuck. i am hopeless. i am drained. i want to be out of this rut. most of all, i want to believe that the people around me, the people i love--that they care for me and value me and understand me.

but i can't.

i can't help but feel that they've failed me, that my expectations for them were too high to begin with, and that i should just give up on people. because i'm being let down right now. time and time again. and the constant disappointment is taking a toll on me.

focus

i'm finding it very hard to focus right now. i need to finish my paper, but, with many outside frustrations plaguing me and many questions being brought up in my life, i really don't know how i can write the paper. sure, i need to get it done, but how am i supposed to write about something that doesn't matter to me? especially when, in order to do so, i must put aside these emotions, tensions, and anxieties that are of significance to me--and that i do not desire to push aside?

not sure what to think right now

i was feeling distant from God. i was finding it difficult to take joy in him and to see him working in my life. but, in the past few days, he has already shattered that wall i built for so long. moreover, he has been making his grace, love, and truth resoundingly evident in my life. through my friends. through his work in their lives. through his work in my life.

it is weird that i was feeling so frustrated with God but now in such a short period of time he has taken away a lot of my doubts, a lot of my fears, and a lot of my frustrations, tensions i had been wrestling with for quite a while. yep, God is definitely showing me his power to comfort and give me peace.

there is so much to be thankful for this thanksgiving.

thank you, Lord. you are good.

walls

"sometimes we build up walls--not to keep people out but to see who cares enough to knock them down."

i am one of those people. that is my mentality. i build up walls around me. i test people to see how much they care.

in doing so, i limit my relationships with others. in the ways i keep them out. in the ways i am afraid to let them know what is going on in my life. in the ways i send my friends mixed messages and fail to be honest with them.

i don't like it. it's too much frustration, too much resentment for one person to live with, too much work to be angry all the time.

knowing this, why can't i just let things go and break down these walls? why am i so difficult? why can't i let myself be happy?

why am i not letting myself love and be loved?

bring it, God

i want to feel your love, your presence, and your power once more. i just pray that you would be able to break down the walls i've built and be able to connect with me again as i make this space for you.

sabbathing, here i come.

my heart breaks

for the suffering and brokenness that exists in our world.

listening

i need to be a better listener. if i keep on demanding God to show himself and to be present in my life, but i refuse to leave space for him to speak to me and reveal himself and his love to me, then i am just being bitter and stubborn. i am just venting. i'm not being receptive to what he has in store for me. rather, i'm just being a brat, not willing to change, not willing to listen. my pleas for him to show himself are empty and pointless. so my prayer today is that God would be able to break through that barrier i've built and teach me what it means to listen attentively to his word and truth so that i may be able to know where to go from here.

joy

even as i struggle with the issues God has brought up, he has allowed me to experience a joy only he can give. praise God. he answers prayers and has a sense of humor about it.

i've a got a joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart, down in my heart, down in my heart. :)

come, Lord Jesus, come

i'm in a weird spot right now. it's only been five days since fall con, five days since i experienced what it's like to be filled with joy and know that God is really showing himself to the people around me. it's only been five days since i saw God pour his love into people and make himself real, make his presence known. it's only been five days since i experienced a peace, a calm, and a joy that only God can provide. but now all of those things--all of his peace, all of his calm, all of his joy--are gone and replaced with anxieties and frustrations, bitterness and resentment, fears and doubts. i don't like feeling such tensions, but i cannot help it.

my prayer is that God would come into my situation and draw me nearer to him so that i could experience his love and presence once more in my life.

come, Lord Jesus, come.
come and fill my heart with your light.
hold me close, Lord. hold me tight.
and come, Lord Jesus, come.

...i need you.

compliments

i don't take compliments or any affirmation that well. it makes me feel uncomfortable because i don't feel like i deserve such good things to be said about me. i'm pretty sure it's rooted in the fact that i still don't feel like i'm worthy of a lot of the blessings in my life from God, and i'm still learning what it means to be his beloved. i don't feel like a lot of the things i do or have done are of merit and i'm not sure why it makes me feel so weird when people congratulate me or say nice things cause at the same time i feel validated too. just not that i deserve such validation i guess.

i'm weird. the end.

to be addressed later: fall con, being an official communication studies major.

i really should not be blogging right now

so, i have a paper due tomorrow and i'm barely into it. oh well. this weekend is going to be ridiculous. on top of fall con, i have to study for my econ midterm on monday, for which i am definitely not prepared. yay! but i do not feel as stressed out as i should be. i'm confused. anyway, here's what's been playing over and over in my head lately:

"all i know is i find rest in You."

maybe it'll explain everything and why i'm not so stressed. not sure. anyway, have a good day. and note how my thoughts seem more scattered and not as coherent as usual. (or at least i feel that my thoughts are that way.) i blame the lack of sleep.

the end.

week 5

this week is going to be ridiculous. i do not know how i will get through it all, but i have faith that i will see God working a lot this week and, in the end, everything will be worth it.

on that note, good news: half of the quarter is almost done. bad news: half of the quarter is almost done.

so many faces

my days, all the people i've met, and all the conversations i've had are all merging into one... not good.

thoughts from the back of the classroom

(a long blog entry was more than overdue...)

As I sit here in the back of my Poli Sci 40 class, all I can wonder is why I am here. Why do I go to class when I see no value in it? Why am I doing something just because I think I’m supposed to? It’s not like I’m taking any good notes on the PowerPoint slides nor am I even listening to anything the professor has to say. The professor even posts lecture notes online so I’m not missing out on any important information and screwing myself over for an exam. Yeah, as I sit here in the back of my Poli Sci 40 class, all I can wonder is why I am here--why am I doing something just because I think I have to?

All through life I’ve been the good kid. I’ve been the one who followed the rules and did everything “right.” I got straight A’s. I never talked back. I always did my chores. I went to church. And even got involved with church as an altarserver. Yeah, I was that kid in the classroom to whom parents compared their children. I was the one my friends brought home to prove to their parents that they were good kids and that they couldn’t be getting in trouble if they were hanging around with me. I posed as the perfect kid all through my life. Being good wasn't necessarily bad. It was the fact that I failed to question why I did the things I did--that's what bothered me.

While I assumed the persona of the “perfect kid,” while I was getting the best grades in my class and following every rule set before me, I didn’t do much thinking for myself. I regurgitated material without ever really understanding it. Hell, I just crammed the information in and let it go over my head once the tests and quizzes were over. My life was one of complacency and seeking acceptance from others by being someone I thought they wanted me to be. I thought I should act a certain way and therefore I did.

This realization--that a great part of my life was spent doing things because I felt I should to meet others’ expectations--well, it hit home hard when I connected this realization with my relationship with God, when I realized that my faith in God had been based on my desire to make others happy. I had felt that I needed to pray, that I needed to go to church, and that I needed to altarserve—all because everyone else expected me to. I never looked within me for reasons to believe that God was real, that He was really a big part of my life, and that He wanted to bless me with so much. Until recently, when I was forced to look within myself to see if I really wanted to follow Jesus and all that that entailed. That decision for myself has made my faith so much stronger, so much more meaningful to me. It is for this reason that I get annoyed with people, myself included, whenever they do things because they feel they have to. Humans were made to think for themselves. Their brains are invaluable tools that should always be engaged and always questioning, never settling and giving into complacency.

As I sit here in the back of my Poli Sci 40 class, all I can wonder is why I am here--and why everyone else is here if they aren’t even paying attention but rather texting, sleeping, or just staring off into the ceiling. Are they going through their life doing things they feel they should do and never making their decisions for themselves?

Am I?

lately

my life has been a roller coaster.

first week awaits

i've been at school for the past two weeks and it's just amazing all that has happened in that short amount of time. i'm definitely excited to see what is in store for the year ahead.  i just pray that i can remain excited about the year and that i do not lose the expectant attitude i currently possess. i pray for continued interactions with others and with God--and a deeper look into God and all that he means to me. i pray for his strength as i am tiring myself out with everything i've gotten involved with. most of all, i pray for his love and presence to shine through me as i meet each and every person around me.

my prayer today

is that all those suffering may experience the hope and comfort only God can provide for better days, that all those fighting for their lives against sickness may receive healing and be consoled in their desperation, and that no one ever has to go about seeking healing alone.

yeah, visits to the hospital are always sobering.

initial feelings after leaders retreat

God, you're scaring me.
i believe, but please help my unbelief.

out of the saltshaker

"God can use our difficulties to deepen our faith, strengthen our character, and walk with us as we go through these hard times."

frustrated, resentful, indignant

where do i draw the line between serving someone as Christ calls us and being a doormat, only to be used and walked over, discarded when no longer useful? when i am not seen as a human but rather as a means of transportation, why do i feel so torn to say "no"? does this feeling mean i'm supposed to say "yes" every time someone wants a favor from me? ...even if, in my eyes, this person is just trying to live according to a selfish way of life and i am just promoting it by giving in, basically saying "your wish is my command"? should i just go along with the request or go against it? why do i feel shitty either way i respond to the situation?

quick fixes

For every one shall be salted with fire. Salt is good: but if the salt has lost its saltiness, wherewith will ye season it? Have salt in yourselves, and be at peace one with another.
-- Mark 9:49-50

when my mark study group went over this passage at summer con, one of the implications we drew was that suffering and pain are good. yes, suffering is good. because through suffering we are purified, and through purification we can become closer to God.

so, if i learned that suffering is so good, and allows us to develop deeper relationships with God, why have i been denying myself such opportunities toward growth and a deeper faith? why, in the midst of my suffering, am i cursing God and doubting whether or not he loves me? instead of pursuing a holier me and embracing the suffering and the resulting purification, why am i asking God for a quick fix and not to allow me to learn anything from my situation but rather to end the suffering right away?

because, if i embrace this suffering, i am embracing pain. i am embracing hardship. i am embracing punishment. i am accepting the fact that to follow God--it won't always be easy and there will be a lot of work, a lot of blood, a lot of sweat, and a lot of tears.

we all, as individuals, face struggles every day. in my case, i'm referring to the pain of the laser treatments and the facial extraction procedures i've been undergoing in order to rid my face of acne. in the grand scheme of things, though, my pain is nothing. Jesus underwent the ultimate pain of all. he died on the cross--for me, for you, and for the whole world. and, if he says that suffering is good, then he of all people should know. and, if he died on the cross for me, experiencing that unfathomable amount of pain, then this struggle of mine is something i can get through. Christ strengthens me and in him all things are possible. why should i be afraid? even if i don't know why and what will come of this suffering, i must leave it all in his hands, trust that he will heal me in his time, and be open to how God is making me a better living sacrifice for him.

grandpa

since the incident, my relationship with my said grandfather has definitely improved. i have been more able to see the love my grandpa has for me, and how greatly the medication he is on has affected his temperament. although i am a far way off from loving him as God calls us to love one another, i am a step closer to this love. and, in looking back at these past ten years of negative feelings toward him, this is definitely a step in the right direction toward where God wants me to be.

walls

there is a wall between the man i know as my grandfather and me.

i built this wall.

it keeps me away from him, away from his presence, away from his love. it was built to protect me, so that i would not be hurt by him or his words as others around him have been. in my head, i have built this barrier in between us because i don't want him to matter to me, a man who has always seemed to be so angry and bitter at the world. this man, my grandfather--i can't say that i love him because of this wall i've built.

as much as i say that i am a Christian and that i am trying to follow God in all aspects of my life, i realized the hypocrisy of my statements when my grandfather fell onto the kitchen floor monday and i couldn't imagine being deeply affected if he passed away. sure, i'd be sad, but not that deep sorrow that engulfs you when someone close is gone--and never to return on this earth. so yeah, while i was dialing 911, while i saw the paramedics take him away, and while i followed them to the hospital in my own car, i was sad about the situation. i was sad about the relationship i lacked with my grandfather. i was sad that i had done this to myself and not allowed myself to grow close to him. but, i was not sad that he was suffering. i was being selfish and i felt sad because i thought that was how i should feel. that realization came, and it was like a wave crashing down on me because i realized i had failed God.

but, the beauty of God's grace is that--even when we fail to live and love like Him, He will knock us over with a force so strong that we will listen to him. God will get our attention so that the next time we are in a situation where we must live and love like Jesus, we will live and love like Jesus, more so than we have in the past. and, despite our mistakes and failures, God loves us nonetheless. He sees the emptiness inside of us and seeks us out to fill it--with His love.

Lord, i pray that i may never forget this lesson and how much you love me despite my transgressions. i just pray that i can live out the life of love to which you call me and all Christians. open my heart, Lord, and teach me to love like You.

the power of lyrics

sometimes songs take the words right out of me...

"Broken" by Lifehouse

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain is there healing
In your name (In your name) I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm hanging on another day just to see what you will throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will be ok

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name (In your name) I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on,(I'm still holdin)
I'm holdin' on, (I'm still holdin')
I'm holdin' on, (I'm still holdin')
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')
I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')
I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')
I'm barely holdin' on to you

my summer so far:

reflective. challenging. amazing fun. full of early mornings, long days passing by quickly, and lots of busy-ness. oh, and i got sunburnt.

i'll update later. especially about summer con--once i've processed it more.

i'm blessed

it's amazing how you can feel that life sucks at one moment and then the next moment you realize God knows what He's doing and He has blessed you--with amazing people, amazing conversations, and amazing memories.

here's to you

"i would give you my wings... if they helped you at all"

what i need to do

"there must be more than this."

so... i deleted all of my earlier posts. they just seemed consumed with matters that are so superficial, so insignificant, and i couldn't stand seeing them posted on my blog anymore.