choices

a major lesson i have been learning this past quarter is the importance of the choices i make everyday, especially in terms of my attitude and my willingness to act (in general and according to God's will).

despite the ways in which the world sucks, despite the ways in which i feel bogged down by everything negative going on, and despite the ways in which i feel i have failed God and am a hopeless cause, i have a choice--a choice to be joyful and positive, to trust that God will deliver on his promises and has better times in store for me.  rather than looking at everything with a cynical and critical eye, i can choose into a positive attitude.  i can choose into being expectant, humble, and joyful before God. 

furthermore, despite the ways in which everything seems to be going wrong, despite the ways in which i feel alone, and despite the ways in which i feel frustrated and just want to give up on people and caring, i have a choice.  i have a choice to let my emotions get the best of me, to let my frustrations, resentment, guilt, anger, bitterness, and whatever other form of tension there is--i can let these emotions get the best of me and sit in them, allowing them to grow over time.  or, i can choose to be willing to engage with the emotions, move forward from them, and take steps toward healing, toward reconciliation, and toward living a life more like the one God calls me to live.

attitude and my willingness to go where God leads me.  they're important decisions i make everyday, and i'm realizing the impact of them in the greater scheme of things.  for too long have i let my emotions and circumstances dictate my attitude toward life and my willingness to go where God calls me day to day.

here's to keeping an open mind about everything, being determined to live out God's truth, learning from past mistakes, and making better choices in the new year.  starting now so i can get a head start.  :)

this one's for you

to someone who will never read this--

wow, i never thought you would do such a thing.  i never thought, of all people, that you would resort to such actions.  i can't believe that you are hurting yourself and others like this and that you are doing these things to yourself.  it's hurting me to see you live like this.  and i've tried to let you know that you do deserve better, that it's not healthy to live as you are living--because i love you and i really do believe you deserve better.  you know it too.  

life doesn't have to be like this.  it doesn't have to be this messy, this messed up, this painful.  you know that.

it's really hard not being able to help you in this situation, to just sit here and have to wait for you to realize that you should listen--to me, to your conscience, to everything and everyone telling you that this situation is not healthy.  you need to get out.

i wish i could fix everything and save you.  i wish i could be a hero for you.  but, i can't.  i can't do anything else.  i just have to watch and wait--and pray.  that you do listen.  that people are inherently good.  that God can and does come into situations like these.  

that God is a redeeming God.  

not only for your sake but for mine as well.

ugh

lately, i've been dissatisfied and disappointed with everything--with people, with leadership, and with life.

i'm becoming increasingly aware of the source of my frustrations and resentment.  

i'm so angry, so bitter, and so frustrated with myself, with others, and with God because for half of last quarter i failed to rely on God, i failed to partner with him, and i failed to turn to him for strength and affirmation.  i failed to look to him for what i needed to know and experience in order to get me through the quarter, especially when i needed Jesus the most.  rather than asking God and looking to God for what i needed, i turned to myself.  i looked to my own strength to get me by and that was by far not close to enough.  

sure, in leadership, i was turning to God and asking him for guidance and for his power to be revealed because i knew i had to do that.  i was not wholeheartedly pursuing God for myself, though.  i was not seeking him out enough for me to be reminded of his truths--reminded that i am his beloved, that he is with me, and that he is using me, brokenness, incapabilities, and all.  no matter how i much i fail him, no matter what i see as lacking in my leadership and my life, no matter how lonely i feel and how unvalued the world deems me--God is there and he loves me.  

that's something i struggle to believe and claim as true--that he loves me, that he looks at me and thinks, "you are good."

and it is this frustration that has grown and flowed into other parts of my life and resulted in my dissatisfaction and disappointment in everything--because my relationship with God should be better.  and i know that.  because God loves me and i should turn to him to find my value and find all i need to get by.  and i know that.

but i'm not doing it.  

i'm just making it harder on myself by refusing to change, refusing to get unstuck.

the future, part two

God, i really don't know where you're trying to lead me.  as i'm trying to sort everything out and whether or not you are calling me to a lifestyle where i can have a family or not, were you trying to tell me something today with all of these kids and cousins coming and surrounding me?

the future

i always thought i'd be successful.  i always thought i'd be the "man" of the house.  always thought i would get married, have children (and possibly retire from work to take care of them), and see them grow up in our house in the middle of suburbia.  and i knew that i'd argue with those same children, cry with those same children, and rejoice and praise God with those same children.  i always thought that was what God wanted, for me to raise up some rowdy bunch of children and witness their growth and development into wonderful servants of God.

i always thought that was God's plan for me.

because he wanted me and called me to love others.  because he gave me a heart for kids and i thought he was calling me to have my own so that i could experience a love like no other.  because he blessed me with skills, talents, and a nurturing home so that any success i imagined was deemed attainable.

but, as i have gone through college, God has been redefining that idea of success and of a future for me.  true, he is still reminding me that he has given me amazing skills, talents, and experiences that shatter any idea of unattainable success.  however, he is also teaching me that monetary wealth cannot compare with the treasure he has in store for me.  he is teaching me that i am not called to love only those around me and those of blood relation, but all of God's children.  to top it off, he's challenging me into a scary lifestyle that i am hesitant to even contemplate.  even now.  after it's been six months or so since i first got presented with the call to be open to this "job"/lifestyle.

i totally thought we had dismissed that idea of a future and deemed it not for me--six months ago--but God has called me to be open to it again today.  and i'm not gonna lie.  it's a little scary/intimidating to think of living like that.  it's even scarier/more intimidating to think about all that i must do to get to that point of being able to live as he is possibly calling me.

yup, what if...

a much needed reminder

today was a good day.

i was able to put a lot of things into perspective, and i have a little almost-two-year-old to thank for it. yep, baby sophia, she is such a blessing in my life and a reminder to me that God loves us, that he wants us to be smiling and living lives full of joy and laughter.  he wants us to experience an everlasting joy we cannot explain.  he wants us to posses a childlike excitement over anything and everything.  he wants us to look at the world as our playground and to know that we can conquer it with his help.  

even if it was for a brief moment today, i felt that joy again, and it's been a long while since i felt such consuming joy, some semblance of wholeness in my broken heart.  and i knew that God was with me today.

more thoughts later on what sophia taught me--about the simple joys in life, about dealing with crap, and about learning how to piece things together. 
 









but, for now, here's looking at you, kid. and a prayer for God's joy to be ever present in your life and all those you meet.

things are looking up

tell me this doesn't make you smile or laugh.

ugh

i felt the urge to update today. i felt like i was supposed to take time to reflect on my life and update you all on it. as well as maybe come to some sort of conclusion for myself about what has been happening lately.

two hours have passed, and i can honestly say that i took that time, more time than usual actually. i tried to piece together some sort of post, but nothing came of my efforts. no coherent entry was formed, no focused thoughts were shared, no conclusions were drawn.

instead, the unresolved nature of anything and everything in my life--that came to light. the messiness that is my life became apparent beyond measure. again. and even more so. the increasing amount of frustrations i have with God, with myself, and with others--they were made known once more. to top it off, the fact that i have made no progress on all of these issues pressing on my heart (or so it seems) and the fact that only more problems seem to arise--that disheartened me.

so yeah, i felt the urge to update today. i felt like i was supposed to take time to reflect on my life and update you all on it. as well as maybe come to some sort of conclusion for myself about what has been happening lately.

sorry i can't say i have it figured out.
sorry i can't say i am finding it easy to be joyful.
sorry i can't say that i like where i'm at.
but, hey, at least i updated.

heart check, part two

i want to say that i want to change, that i want this bitterness and tension within me to be removed, that i want to trust in community and love them wholeheartedly once more. but, right now, i can't say that i do want that change of heart. i can't say that i don't want to sulk and stay in my misery. i can't say that i don't want to be alone.

because staying in this spot would be so much easier. to sulk in my misery, to be alone in this heartache--it would be so much easier. than the alternative of addressing these issues, trying to work things out, and moving on from here.

my motives for wallowing are totally immature and not constructive at all, and i recognize that. but, i'm at a spot where i really do need Jesus to come in and change that.

i can't do this on my own. i can't forgive. i can't love. i can't initiate the resolution.

until he shows me how first.

not in a good spot

my heart is very bitter right now, again. even more so, it feels hurt. it feels torn. it feels very, very frustrated. the worst part of everything is that i don't know what to do with these emotions. i don't know where to start in an effort to address them and to move on from here. i have reached a point where i just want to be alone. i just want to get away from everything and everyone--and not deal with anything.

none of these emotions. none of these upcoming finals. none of these people around me.

i just want to be out of this situation altogether and be able to rest and not constantly be consumed with so many thoughts and so many frustrations and so many chores to do throughout my day.

i am stuck. i am hopeless. i am drained. i want to be out of this rut. most of all, i want to believe that the people around me, the people i love--that they care for me and value me and understand me.

but i can't.

i can't help but feel that they've failed me, that my expectations for them were too high to begin with, and that i should just give up on people. because i'm being let down right now. time and time again. and the constant disappointment is taking a toll on me.

focus

i'm finding it very hard to focus right now. i need to finish my paper, but, with many outside frustrations plaguing me and many questions being brought up in my life, i really don't know how i can write the paper. sure, i need to get it done, but how am i supposed to write about something that doesn't matter to me? especially when, in order to do so, i must put aside these emotions, tensions, and anxieties that are of significance to me--and that i do not desire to push aside?