not sure what to think right now

i was feeling distant from God. i was finding it difficult to take joy in him and to see him working in my life. but, in the past few days, he has already shattered that wall i built for so long. moreover, he has been making his grace, love, and truth resoundingly evident in my life. through my friends. through his work in their lives. through his work in my life.

it is weird that i was feeling so frustrated with God but now in such a short period of time he has taken away a lot of my doubts, a lot of my fears, and a lot of my frustrations, tensions i had been wrestling with for quite a while. yep, God is definitely showing me his power to comfort and give me peace.

there is so much to be thankful for this thanksgiving.

thank you, Lord. you are good.

walls

"sometimes we build up walls--not to keep people out but to see who cares enough to knock them down."

i am one of those people. that is my mentality. i build up walls around me. i test people to see how much they care.

in doing so, i limit my relationships with others. in the ways i keep them out. in the ways i am afraid to let them know what is going on in my life. in the ways i send my friends mixed messages and fail to be honest with them.

i don't like it. it's too much frustration, too much resentment for one person to live with, too much work to be angry all the time.

knowing this, why can't i just let things go and break down these walls? why am i so difficult? why can't i let myself be happy?

why am i not letting myself love and be loved?

bring it, God

i want to feel your love, your presence, and your power once more. i just pray that you would be able to break down the walls i've built and be able to connect with me again as i make this space for you.

sabbathing, here i come.

my heart breaks

for the suffering and brokenness that exists in our world.

listening

i need to be a better listener. if i keep on demanding God to show himself and to be present in my life, but i refuse to leave space for him to speak to me and reveal himself and his love to me, then i am just being bitter and stubborn. i am just venting. i'm not being receptive to what he has in store for me. rather, i'm just being a brat, not willing to change, not willing to listen. my pleas for him to show himself are empty and pointless. so my prayer today is that God would be able to break through that barrier i've built and teach me what it means to listen attentively to his word and truth so that i may be able to know where to go from here.

joy

even as i struggle with the issues God has brought up, he has allowed me to experience a joy only he can give. praise God. he answers prayers and has a sense of humor about it.

i've a got a joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart, down in my heart, down in my heart. :)

come, Lord Jesus, come

i'm in a weird spot right now. it's only been five days since fall con, five days since i experienced what it's like to be filled with joy and know that God is really showing himself to the people around me. it's only been five days since i saw God pour his love into people and make himself real, make his presence known. it's only been five days since i experienced a peace, a calm, and a joy that only God can provide. but now all of those things--all of his peace, all of his calm, all of his joy--are gone and replaced with anxieties and frustrations, bitterness and resentment, fears and doubts. i don't like feeling such tensions, but i cannot help it.

my prayer is that God would come into my situation and draw me nearer to him so that i could experience his love and presence once more in my life.

come, Lord Jesus, come.
come and fill my heart with your light.
hold me close, Lord. hold me tight.
and come, Lord Jesus, come.

...i need you.

compliments

i don't take compliments or any affirmation that well. it makes me feel uncomfortable because i don't feel like i deserve such good things to be said about me. i'm pretty sure it's rooted in the fact that i still don't feel like i'm worthy of a lot of the blessings in my life from God, and i'm still learning what it means to be his beloved. i don't feel like a lot of the things i do or have done are of merit and i'm not sure why it makes me feel so weird when people congratulate me or say nice things cause at the same time i feel validated too. just not that i deserve such validation i guess.

i'm weird. the end.

to be addressed later: fall con, being an official communication studies major.