walls

"sometimes we build up walls--not to keep people out but to see who cares enough to knock them down."

i am one of those people. that is my mentality. i build up walls around me. i test people to see how much they care.

in doing so, i limit my relationships with others. in the ways i keep them out. in the ways i am afraid to let them know what is going on in my life. in the ways i send my friends mixed messages and fail to be honest with them.

i don't like it. it's too much frustration, too much resentment for one person to live with, too much work to be angry all the time.

knowing this, why can't i just let things go and break down these walls? why am i so difficult? why can't i let myself be happy?

why am i not letting myself love and be loved?