i want to say that i want to change, that i want this bitterness and tension within me to be removed, that i want to trust in community and love them wholeheartedly once more. but, right now, i can't say that i do want that change of heart. i can't say that i don't want to sulk and stay in my misery. i can't say that i don't want to be alone.
because staying in this spot would be so much easier. to sulk in my misery, to be alone in this heartache--it would be so much easier. than the alternative of addressing these issues, trying to work things out, and moving on from here.
my motives for wallowing are totally immature and not constructive at all, and i recognize that. but, i'm at a spot where i really do need Jesus to come in and change that.
i can't do this on my own. i can't forgive. i can't love. i can't initiate the resolution.
until he shows me how first.
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