walls

there is a wall between the man i know as my grandfather and me.

i built this wall.

it keeps me away from him, away from his presence, away from his love. it was built to protect me, so that i would not be hurt by him or his words as others around him have been. in my head, i have built this barrier in between us because i don't want him to matter to me, a man who has always seemed to be so angry and bitter at the world. this man, my grandfather--i can't say that i love him because of this wall i've built.

as much as i say that i am a Christian and that i am trying to follow God in all aspects of my life, i realized the hypocrisy of my statements when my grandfather fell onto the kitchen floor monday and i couldn't imagine being deeply affected if he passed away. sure, i'd be sad, but not that deep sorrow that engulfs you when someone close is gone--and never to return on this earth. so yeah, while i was dialing 911, while i saw the paramedics take him away, and while i followed them to the hospital in my own car, i was sad about the situation. i was sad about the relationship i lacked with my grandfather. i was sad that i had done this to myself and not allowed myself to grow close to him. but, i was not sad that he was suffering. i was being selfish and i felt sad because i thought that was how i should feel. that realization came, and it was like a wave crashing down on me because i realized i had failed God.

but, the beauty of God's grace is that--even when we fail to live and love like Him, He will knock us over with a force so strong that we will listen to him. God will get our attention so that the next time we are in a situation where we must live and love like Jesus, we will live and love like Jesus, more so than we have in the past. and, despite our mistakes and failures, God loves us nonetheless. He sees the emptiness inside of us and seeks us out to fill it--with His love.

Lord, i pray that i may never forget this lesson and how much you love me despite my transgressions. i just pray that i can live out the life of love to which you call me and all Christians. open my heart, Lord, and teach me to love like You.