i'm becoming increasingly aware of the source of my frustrations and resentment.
i'm so angry, so bitter, and so frustrated with myself, with others, and with God because for half of last quarter i failed to rely on God, i failed to partner with him, and i failed to turn to him for strength and affirmation. i failed to look to him for what i needed to know and experience in order to get me through the quarter, especially when i needed Jesus the most. rather than asking God and looking to God for what i needed, i turned to myself. i looked to my own strength to get me by and that was by far not close to enough.
sure, in leadership, i was turning to God and asking him for guidance and for his power to be revealed because i knew i had to do that. i was not wholeheartedly pursuing God for myself, though. i was not seeking him out enough for me to be reminded of his truths--reminded that i am his beloved, that he is with me, and that he is using me, brokenness, incapabilities, and all. no matter how i much i fail him, no matter what i see as lacking in my leadership and my life, no matter how lonely i feel and how unvalued the world deems me--God is there and he loves me.
that's something i struggle to believe and claim as true--that he loves me, that he looks at me and thinks, "you are good."
and it is this frustration that has grown and flowed into other parts of my life and resulted in my dissatisfaction and disappointment in everything--because my relationship with God should be better. and i know that. because God loves me and i should turn to him to find my value and find all i need to get by. and i know that.
but i'm not doing it.
i'm just making it harder on myself by refusing to change, refusing to get unstuck.
i'm so angry, so bitter, and so frustrated with myself, with others, and with God because for half of last quarter i failed to rely on God, i failed to partner with him, and i failed to turn to him for strength and affirmation. i failed to look to him for what i needed to know and experience in order to get me through the quarter, especially when i needed Jesus the most. rather than asking God and looking to God for what i needed, i turned to myself. i looked to my own strength to get me by and that was by far not close to enough.
sure, in leadership, i was turning to God and asking him for guidance and for his power to be revealed because i knew i had to do that. i was not wholeheartedly pursuing God for myself, though. i was not seeking him out enough for me to be reminded of his truths--reminded that i am his beloved, that he is with me, and that he is using me, brokenness, incapabilities, and all. no matter how i much i fail him, no matter what i see as lacking in my leadership and my life, no matter how lonely i feel and how unvalued the world deems me--God is there and he loves me.
that's something i struggle to believe and claim as true--that he loves me, that he looks at me and thinks, "you are good."
and it is this frustration that has grown and flowed into other parts of my life and resulted in my dissatisfaction and disappointment in everything--because my relationship with God should be better. and i know that. because God loves me and i should turn to him to find my value and find all i need to get by. and i know that.
but i'm not doing it.
i'm just making it harder on myself by refusing to change, refusing to get unstuck.
1 comment:
then stop refusing. it doesn't have to be hard.
while it can be a bit overwhelming to realize the ways we have failed to do the simplest thing of remembering God in our lives, do not be discouraged. [one of] the first steps towards Better is being able to put your finger on what is wrong. so congratulations :) don't get too down on yourself -- you're doing okay kiddo.
Post a Comment